Boundaries Crossed

Oftentimes when a boundary line is crossed our emotions can get the better of us. When we try to communicate how something made us feel we can easily fall into the blame game or the right/wrong game. A person's natural inclination is to defend themselves when they are being made to feel wrong or attacked. This does not mean that you should stuff your feelings down and never express them; it just means that you need to give yourself time and space to feel whatever you're feeling without barfing it all over the other person.

Once you are able to ground yourself and have decided how you want to respond, keeping the results you want in mind, arrange to have a conversation with the person who crossed or pushed at your boundary. The best way I have found to do this and successfully not let my emotions rule the conversation is to use the Bradshaw Method.

You can use this script from the Bradshaw Method as a guide:
"When ______ happens". Fill in the blank, describing the event. Be careful not to use accusatory language here. Example: "When you do not come home at the agreed-upon time...."
"I feel______". Fill in the blank, describing how you feel. Remember to own your feelings. Do not use terms like, "You make me feel" or "You always/never".
Example: "I feel worried, scared and disrespected."
"The result I want is_____". Fill in the blank, describing the specific result that you desire.
Example:"The result I want is for our agreements to be kept and to not feel worried or scared for you like this." "What I need from you is_____". or "My request of you is_____". Fill in the blank, stating what specific action you need from them.
Example: "My request of you is that if something comes up where you are going to be later than we agreed upon that you call me to let me know."

Once you have made your specific request ask to make a new agreement with the person. Now you have a new agreement. Remember, it is not fair nor does it net you the results you want when you hold past events over someone's head or save them up like stamps and then throw them in their face when it's something that has already been resolved.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

I've set my boundaries, now how do I tell my family?

To set or communicate a boundary you can use this script as a guide:

"If you ______. " Fill in the blank with a very specific description of the person's behavior that you need to set a boundary around.
Example: "If you continue to stay out past the time we agreed upon...."
"I will ______." Fill in the blank with the action you'll take if the boundary is violated. Your action is based on values and needs.

Example: "I will change your curfew to one hour earlier."
"If you still continue _____, I will_____." Fill in the blank with actions you'll take to make sure the boundary is followed.

Example: "If you still continue staying out past the agreed-upon time, I'll will take away your car privileges."

This makes it clear to all parties involved and therefore easier to define and acknowledge when the agreement is broken. Because if a boundary that was clearly communicated and agreed upon is crossed, then an agreement was broken.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Value Definitions

Last week I shared with you my family values and asked you write down your won. Now it is time for you to write out the definitions of each of your core values. Post it somewhere you can see it constantly. I suggest having a personal one posted next to your mirror or on your refrigerator where you can see it daily, and post your business values in your office.

Once you have this it is much easier for you to set your boundaries. If something is outside your value frame, it’s outside your boundary. This is why clarity on definitions is so important. If you said no drugs or alcohol for your value of health, you've just said you won't be taking any aspirin or prescribed medications. Be very clear so you can remain in total integrity with yourself and those with whom you are in a relationship.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Values

Write out the values that are important to you and that you expect in your day-to-day life, such as honesty, family, fun, adventure, integrity, acceptance, etc. You may end up with a list of 20 or more. You want them easy to remember, so once you have that initial list see which ones can be covered by other ones. For example, can honesty be listed under integrity for you? Try to distill it down to five or six core values. You don't have to (I have thirteen!), but it sure is easier to remember.

As an example here are my family values:

Faith - harm none, spirituality, respecting others faith as well as your own.
Honesty - openness, do what you say, tell the truth, don't withhold information.
Integrity - commitment, self worth, value of your word.
Acceptance - of yourself and others, non-judgmental, not trying to change others, not carrying others "baggage".
Respect - personal space, chain of command, recognize parents as the authority and kids as individual people.
Accountability - accepting conscious responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Safety - not doing things that could harm yourself or others.
Magick - smell the roses, believe, the power of self and the world around you. Dance.
Trust - in yourself and the family around you. Stand in honesty and integrity.
Appreciation - gratitude for those in your life, what you do have, the opportunities you have, for life. Acknowledgement.
Health - cleanliness, keeping your home and body clean (inside and out).
Family - communication daily, participate in family events.
Love - encompasses all of the values of this family.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo