But there is help …
The Problem Isn't Them
It's Your Relationship with You
Letting Go of the Need to Help
Can Liberate You
If you are co-dependent, you can recognize the compulsive behaviors that keep you locked in the repetitive patterns you used as a child. You can learn how to be assertive; how to take responsibility for your own actions; and how to release the fear.
You can learn how to say "No." You can learn to listen and communicate. You can learn it is OK to have needs and to have them fulfilled! Often professional counseling or therapy can be helpful to create new, healthy patterns for yourself.
The "problem" is not them. The problem is your belief that this is your proper role and that you are powerless to change it. You may be addicted to caretaking or controlling.
You have to learn how to let go of the need to control the people, places and events in your life. It is this letting go that will provide the ultimate freedom from shame, fear and your self-defeating patterns.
Like any problem, you need to understand what's at the root. From a neutral place step outside of your emotions and look at the history of your behavior. Notice the patterns. Determine if the pattern is working for you and how you want your life to be or if it's holding you back.
When you can get past the emotions and examine facts, write them down. Do a little timeline or a scorecard of non-working behavior. This will help you to focus on the changes you want to make.
I'm Codependent – so now what?!
STEP 1: BECOME SELF-AWARE
Have you identified yourself as a codependent person? Awareness is the first step, but can often beg the question, so now what? Taking the necessary action to shift from being a codependent person to being a happy, healthy person living life instead of surviving can appear overwhelming.
OK, you've got the awareness part down, right? You now notice whenever that codependent tendency pops up in your life. No? You've only read the traits and discovered you're codependent?
STEP 2: CHANGE THE PATTERN
OK, then. Next step is become truly aware. Identifying with the trait is one step, knowing when it is showing up is another. You can't shift it if you're not aware of it.
You've heard that saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." It's true. If you continue the same pattern, the same behavior, you will end up with the same codependent results.
It's easy to see the pattern when it's in writing and right in front of you. I recommend getting a journal (or breaking out the one probably growing dust bunnies on it) and keeping track for at least a week. Ideally track your behaviors for a month, but if that is too overwhelming for you, start with a week.
Notice when you are being a “rescue ranger” to others. Do you feel responsible for others thoughts, feelings and actions? Feel compelled to “fix” the other person’s problem for them? Give unsolicited advice, fix problems without being asked, or take control of other's situations? Do you only feel good when you feel needed by someone or handle a crisis? When you find yourself in these situations, take note. Journal it. Whether you noted it before during or after the situation, put it in your journal. Don't beat yourself up over it, just notice and journal it.
Notice when you are over committing yourself and saying yes when you really want to say no. Journal every time you make a commitment to do something.
Notice how many times you do things for others and how many times you do things just for you. Keep a count in your journal.
At the end of the week (or month, depending on what you chose) tally up the results. You will most likely find that the more you are aware of the behaviors, the earlier you catch yourself doing them. This is where you're golden opportunity to shift begins.
STEP 3: STOP
When you notice yourself in a codependent behavior, STOP! Take five. Give yourself a few minutes to choose a different behavior. Journal the event. Capture your new choice and what results it brought you. Track the new results. Are they what you want? How do you feel? After at least one week (ideally one month) of choosing different behaviors, go back and track for the same amount of time how many times you are still choosing your old pattern and the results it brings you. Has the number lessened? If so, you are on your way. Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate this!
If not, re-commit and re-do the exercise until you begin to see a change.
STEP FOUR: RESET YOUR BOUNDARIES
Now on to the next step for Codependent recovery. Step four is setting your boundaries.
In order to set realistic and true-for-you boundaries, you need to know what your values are.
Personal values may come from circumstances and experiences in your life and can change over time. Personal values are implicitly related to choice; they guide decisions by allowing for an individual's choices to be compared to each choice's associated values.
I have found that it is helpful to not only define what your personal values are, but your definition of said values. A lot of people may say Integrity is one of their values, but what does integrity mean to them? How do they know when they or others are in integrity? Spell it out. As an example I'll share with you my definition of integrity: commitment, self worth, value of your word.
Write out the values that are important to you and expect in your day-to-day life. Honesty, family, fun, adventure, integrity, acceptance, etc. You may end up with a list of 20 or more. You want them easy to remember, so once you have that initial list see which ones can be covered by other ones. For example can honesty be listed under integrity for you? Try to distil it down to five or six core values. You don't have to (I have 13), but it sure is easier to remember.
Now write out the definitions of each core value. Post it somewhere you can see it constantly.
Once you have this, it is much easier for you to set your boundaries. If something is outside your value frame, it’s outside your boundary. This is why clarity on definitions is so important. If you said no drugs or alcohol for your value of health, you've just said you won't be taking any aspirin or prescribed meds. Be very clear so you can remain in total integrity with yourself.
For more on setting and holding healthy boundaries while recovering from co-dependency, please visit my blog, view my products or contact Bo to discuss coaching services.
