Oftentimes when a boundary line is crossed our emotions can get the better of us. When we try to communicate how something made us feel we can easily fall into the blame game or the right/wrong game. A person's natural inclination is to defend themselves when they are being made to feel wrong or attacked. This does not mean that you should stuff your feelings down and never express them; it just means that you need to give yourself time and space to feel whatever you're feeling without barfing it all over the other person.
Once you are able to ground yourself and have decided how you want to respond, keeping the results you want in mind, arrange to have a conversation with the person who crossed or pushed at your boundary. The best way I have found to do this and successfully not let my emotions rule the conversation is to use the Bradshaw Method.
You can use this script from the Bradshaw Method as a guide:
"When ______ happens". Fill in the blank, describing the event. Be careful not to use accusatory language here.
Example: "When you do not come home at the agreed-upon time...."
"I feel______". Fill in the blank, describing how you feel. Remember to own your feelings. Do not use terms like, "You make me feel" or "You always/never".
Example: "I feel worried, scared and disrespected."
"The result I want is_____". Fill in the blank, describing the specific result that you desire.
Example:"The result I want is for our agreements to be kept and to not feel worried or scared for you like this."
"What I need from you is_____". or "My request of you is_____". Fill in the blank, stating what specific action you need from them.
Example: "My request of you is that if something comes up where you are going to be later than we agreed upon that you call me to let me know."
Once you have made your specific request ask to make a new agreement with the person. Now you have a new agreement. Remember, it is not fair nor does it net you the results you want when you hold past events over someone's head or save them up like stamps and then throw them in their face when it's something that has already been resolved.
I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo
