Are you a Survivor?

Last week I showed you the drama triangle and how often people cycle through it. What typically follows stepping out of the drama triangle (even if it's for a brief period of time) is moving into Survivorhood. How many times have you or someone you know stood up and proudly declared that they're a survivor? Then, before you know it you bounce back into the drama triangle and find yourself repeating the cycle again.

The graphic above shows the relation between the drama triangle - or Victimville, if you will - Survivorhood and The Thrive triangle (which I will share more information about next week).

The Survivor arrow inbetween is when you are living in "Survivorhood". Here you are numbed out to big emotions and you miss out on the joy of living, but you are content with just surviving right now. You feel the need to fight for what you have and for those other victims that are not ready to stand for themselves yet, thus, you are in constant battle mode. You do everything you can to ensure persecutors are justly punished. You make it day by day and proudly proclaim your survivorship status. You feel better about yourself, but you're still angry and hurt about what happened to you. You haven't quite forgiven the perpetrator, let alone yourself. You are on constant lookout for the next bully, the next person trying to do you harm. Happiness does appear in your world, but it is overshadowed by the pain you hold close to your vest. In this state it is easy to slip back into the drama triangle from time to time.

When you numb out you miss out - not just on the negative, but the positive as well. Every emotion serves a purpose, and I do get that at times some of them can be overwhelming, and most people tend to go into "numb-out mode" just to survive. While this does serve an important purpose the problem is that for those who were living in "Victimville" they only move a short distance and then get stuck in "Survivorhood".

"Survivorhood" over "Victimville" is an improvement in your living situation; however, it's still not an ideal place to live. It's only meant to be a transition place. You know, a temporary stop on your way to "Thrive Town".

In "Victimville" everything happens to you. Your inner critic rules your mind and is constantly proven right by all the bad things that go on. Happiness is fleeting snippets quickly squashed as you are re-victimized time and time again. No matter what you do, you will never be enough. You try to put up a brave face but have truly lost hope that your life will ever be any different. So you move into "Survivorhood" and become numbed out or always in fight mode as I described above. What if I told you there was a better place to live? Would you be willing to move there?

Next week I will tell you all about "Thrive Town"!

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are You Stuck in the Drama Triangle?

The drama triangle has three roles: the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. The glue that binds these roles together is lack of personal power and unclear personal values and boundaries; people don’t know who they are or where they end and another person begins. Any perceived boundaries become blurred because the person continuously jumps from one role to another to another and so on.

• The victim is a person who feels helpless, blames others, and feels sorry for herself: “If it weren’t for my boss, I’d be __________________(rich, happy, successful).” By blaming others the victim surrenders her power, which is what keeps her feeling helpless and powerless.
• The rescuer is a person who takes care of everyone else. Oftentimes this is a child of an addictive family who feels it is her responsibility to solve the family’s problems and take care of the addict. Within the role of rescuer is the victim consciousness.

These two roles are most often where the codependent person falls or jumps back and forth the most. The victim and rescuer are naturally attracted to one another and thereby perpetuate the codependent relationship with one another. The rescuer is constantly trying to “fix” the victim, which results in the victim feeling even more helpless and eventually even resentful. In turn, this resentment can bring about a role reversal, wherein the victim becomes the persecutor.

• The persecutor persecutes the rescuer, and then the rescuer becomes the victim. Persecutors can be physically, emotionally or sexually abusive; they may persecute by withdrawing love, sex, or money. They usually are very passive-aggressive and use guilt as a way to control and manipulate others. Interestingly enough, then the persecutor feels pity for the victim and moves to the rescuer position. The victim resents feeling helpless and having to be rescued and begins to persecute the rescuer. The triangle takes on a life of its own, and off they go... forever stuck in "Victimville" and unable to find their way out.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are you a Rescue Ranger?

One of the most important and critical moves in healing from codependency is to learn how to stop rescuing others and become supportive instead. Here's what I discovered and clung to as my motivation whenever I was tempted to just jump in and help.
When I thought I was helping friends, family and coworkers (or even sometimes a stranger) I was actually hurting them. I was sending them an unconscious message that I didn't believe they were capable of handling it on their own. I was feeding their negative machine.
When you feel the urge to jump in and rescue someone, STOP! Ask yourself the following questions first.

1. Did they ask for your help?
2. Do they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves?
3. Do you believe they are capable of handling it themselves?
4. Why do you want to help? Because it will make you feel better, smarter, needed?
5. What will happen if you don't help?

If they asked for your help and it is within your abilities to do so, then by all means help, but don't take over. Find out specifically what they need from you and then give what is within your resources to do.
If they have not asked you for help and they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves, butt out. If you're not sure about the tools and resources let them know you have some to share, but only if they wish, or simply ask them what it is they need from you to best support them.
If you believe that they are capable of handling the situation for themselves, let them. The greatest learning comes with our greatest challenges and struggles. You are robbing them of that growth opportunity if you do it for them. The majority of people are whole and complete and capable of amazing strength, if we give them the opportunity to use it. Often just knowing that you believe in them gives them all the support they need.

Want help in letting go and moving on with your own transformation? Check out my services page for Reiki Plus sessions and coaching!