One of the most important and critical moves in healing from codependency is to learn how to stop rescuing others and become supportive instead. Here's what I discovered and clung to as my motivation whenever I was tempted to just jump in and help.
When I thought I was helping friends, family and coworkers (or even sometimes a stranger) I was actually hurting them. I was sending them an unconscious message that I didn't believe they were capable of handling it on their own. I was feeding their negative machine.
When you feel the urge to jump in and rescue someone, STOP! Ask yourself the following questions first.
1. Did they ask for your help?
2. Do they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves?
3. Do you believe they are capable of handling it themselves?
4. Why do you want to help? Because it will make you feel better, smarter, needed?
5. What will happen if you don't help?
If they asked for your help and it is within your abilities to do so, then by all means help, but don't take over. Find out specifically what they need from you and then give what is within your resources to do.
If they have not asked you for help and they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves, butt out. If you're not sure about the tools and resources let them know you have some to share, but only if they wish, or simply ask them what it is they need from you to best support them.
If you believe that they are capable of handling the situation for themselves, let them. The greatest learning comes with our greatest challenges and struggles. You are robbing them of that growth opportunity if you do it for them. The majority of people are whole and complete and capable of amazing strength, if we give them the opportunity to use it. Often just knowing that you believe in them gives them all the support they need.
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