Codependency is not a disease. It is a learned emotional and behavioral condition which affects the ability to have a healthy relationship with others. The good news is that you can change your condition, choose your behavior, and feel your emotions without letting them run your life!
A part of being codependent is resistance to playing and having fun. Imagine how joyful your life will be when you have the freedom to give yourself permission to play! When was the last time you let your inner child out to finger paint, play in the dirt, or roll down a hill?
As an adult, a codependent person has little to no sense of self. If you were to look back on your life you might see that your whole life has been spent in extreme acts to meet others' expectations. Your emotions and thoughts about yourself are based on people's responses to you. For example, if you're nice to me, I'm a good person. If you disagree with me or snap at me, I'm a bad person.
How to recognize if you're "Codependent":
1. Do you find yourself constantly needing to "fix" and rescue people?
If you're codependent you are more aware of others' needs and feelings than you are your own. When asked what you want or need, the answer is most often "I don't know". You have a hard time receiving.
2. Do you easily get caught up in drama?
Codependents often get sucked into the drama of others' lives and are so busy rescuing others and sacrificing themselves that they miss what the root of the issues are. They don't have time to deal with their own issues because they're so busy taking care of everyone else. This is really a self-defeating behavior.
3. Are you trying to control or feel controlled by someone else?
Do you need the person more than you love them? Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends completely on the other. They don't know how to make themselves happy. In a true loving partnership, you love each other more than you need each other. Relationships should enhance you, not complete you. You are already whole and complete.
4. Do you do more than your share?
What's the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic? Are you working to live or living to work? Codependents often take their work home with them, answer work calls and emails, no matter if it's after quitting time or they are on vacation. They do not have clearly defined boundaries in their work or relationships.
5. Are you always seeking approval and recognition?
Codependents live their life through their self-limiting beliefs. They believe they are not good enough, dumb, stupid, worthless, and defective. This is their core wound, or sacred wound. It's what drives their choices and decisions and affects what they see when they look in the mirror and affects how they talk to themselves. What they don't realize is we all have a sacred wound, but we can choose to rewire where our choices and decisions are made from. We can choose to live from our purpose rather than our wounds.
As an adult, a codependent person seeks recognition and approval, but when they get it they are embarrassed. They have difficulty asking others to meet their needs. They don't believe they are worthwhile or lovable.
Codependents do not have a strong sense of self. When asked to describe themselves codependents will give their job title or say "I'm a wife, partner, daughter, mother."
A non-codependent person would say, “I'm an independent, powerful, compassionate person who enjoys having fun and adventures.” There's nothing wrong with being proud of your job or relationships, but those should not be your main identity. Those are things you do, not who you are.
6. Do you find that you do anything to hold onto a relationship? Do you fear being alone?
Because codependents have their whole identities tied up in their work and relationships they have no relationship with themselves. They don't know how to be alone and enjoy that time. They often feel abandoned and unwanted. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion for fear of driving the relationship away. They often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that nobody else would want them and that's all they deserve.
I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo
