The Thrive Triangle - or "Thrive Town"

The thrive triangle is my creation as an answer to how to remain out of the drama triangle and live a happier, healthier life.

The thrive triangle also has three roles: the Grounded, the Supporter and the Challenger. The glue that binds these roles together is a set of clearly defined values and boundaries that are effectively communicated to all parties. People know that they are whole and complete and enjoy enhancing each other's lives as well as their own. They make their decisions from their purpose rather than their core wound.

• The Grounded is a person who is self-aware and stands in their integrity. They are able to evaluate their emotions, feel them and then let them go. They do not play the blame game; instead they look at what is working or not working in their lives. They are unable to be manipulated by guilt or take on other people's baggage. They have forgiven themselves and anyone who has hurt them and understand that every event and person that touches their life is a gift and learning opportunity.
• The Supporter is a person that is willing and happy to help others, but they don't do so to the detriment of themselves. They are able to say "No" when something is outside their values or they do not have the time or energy to do it. They are compassionate without being sucked into drama. Instead of believing that they know what is best and what everyone needs, they ask "How can I best support you right now?" and then follow through in meeting those needs. They are able to actively listen to others' wants, desires and needs and can play the role of cheerleader or advisor when asked.
• The Challenger is a person who supports your excellence but not your crap. They ask questions from a place of love and curiosity, pushing you to dream and achieve more than you thought possible. They help you stretch outside of your self-imposed limitations. They make a great coach or accountability partner. The great news with the thrive triangle is that you can move between the roles fluidly based on what each individual situation calls for. Living here keeps you squarely in "Thrive Town", creating your own happiness and supporting others in creating theirs.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are you a Survivor?

Last week I showed you the drama triangle and how often people cycle through it. What typically follows stepping out of the drama triangle (even if it's for a brief period of time) is moving into Survivorhood. How many times have you or someone you know stood up and proudly declared that they're a survivor? Then, before you know it you bounce back into the drama triangle and find yourself repeating the cycle again.

The graphic above shows the relation between the drama triangle - or Victimville, if you will - Survivorhood and The Thrive triangle (which I will share more information about next week).

The Survivor arrow inbetween is when you are living in "Survivorhood". Here you are numbed out to big emotions and you miss out on the joy of living, but you are content with just surviving right now. You feel the need to fight for what you have and for those other victims that are not ready to stand for themselves yet, thus, you are in constant battle mode. You do everything you can to ensure persecutors are justly punished. You make it day by day and proudly proclaim your survivorship status. You feel better about yourself, but you're still angry and hurt about what happened to you. You haven't quite forgiven the perpetrator, let alone yourself. You are on constant lookout for the next bully, the next person trying to do you harm. Happiness does appear in your world, but it is overshadowed by the pain you hold close to your vest. In this state it is easy to slip back into the drama triangle from time to time.

When you numb out you miss out - not just on the negative, but the positive as well. Every emotion serves a purpose, and I do get that at times some of them can be overwhelming, and most people tend to go into "numb-out mode" just to survive. While this does serve an important purpose the problem is that for those who were living in "Victimville" they only move a short distance and then get stuck in "Survivorhood".

"Survivorhood" over "Victimville" is an improvement in your living situation; however, it's still not an ideal place to live. It's only meant to be a transition place. You know, a temporary stop on your way to "Thrive Town".

In "Victimville" everything happens to you. Your inner critic rules your mind and is constantly proven right by all the bad things that go on. Happiness is fleeting snippets quickly squashed as you are re-victimized time and time again. No matter what you do, you will never be enough. You try to put up a brave face but have truly lost hope that your life will ever be any different. So you move into "Survivorhood" and become numbed out or always in fight mode as I described above. What if I told you there was a better place to live? Would you be willing to move there?

Next week I will tell you all about "Thrive Town"!

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are You Stuck in the Drama Triangle?

The drama triangle has three roles: the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. The glue that binds these roles together is lack of personal power and unclear personal values and boundaries; people don’t know who they are or where they end and another person begins. Any perceived boundaries become blurred because the person continuously jumps from one role to another to another and so on.

• The victim is a person who feels helpless, blames others, and feels sorry for herself: “If it weren’t for my boss, I’d be __________________(rich, happy, successful).” By blaming others the victim surrenders her power, which is what keeps her feeling helpless and powerless.
• The rescuer is a person who takes care of everyone else. Oftentimes this is a child of an addictive family who feels it is her responsibility to solve the family’s problems and take care of the addict. Within the role of rescuer is the victim consciousness.

These two roles are most often where the codependent person falls or jumps back and forth the most. The victim and rescuer are naturally attracted to one another and thereby perpetuate the codependent relationship with one another. The rescuer is constantly trying to “fix” the victim, which results in the victim feeling even more helpless and eventually even resentful. In turn, this resentment can bring about a role reversal, wherein the victim becomes the persecutor.

• The persecutor persecutes the rescuer, and then the rescuer becomes the victim. Persecutors can be physically, emotionally or sexually abusive; they may persecute by withdrawing love, sex, or money. They usually are very passive-aggressive and use guilt as a way to control and manipulate others. Interestingly enough, then the persecutor feels pity for the victim and moves to the rescuer position. The victim resents feeling helpless and having to be rescued and begins to persecute the rescuer. The triangle takes on a life of its own, and off they go... forever stuck in "Victimville" and unable to find their way out.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are you a Rescue Ranger?

One of the most important and critical moves in healing from codependency is to learn how to stop rescuing others and become supportive instead. Here's what I discovered and clung to as my motivation whenever I was tempted to just jump in and help.
When I thought I was helping friends, family and coworkers (or even sometimes a stranger) I was actually hurting them. I was sending them an unconscious message that I didn't believe they were capable of handling it on their own. I was feeding their negative machine.
When you feel the urge to jump in and rescue someone, STOP! Ask yourself the following questions first.

1. Did they ask for your help?
2. Do they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves?
3. Do you believe they are capable of handling it themselves?
4. Why do you want to help? Because it will make you feel better, smarter, needed?
5. What will happen if you don't help?

If they asked for your help and it is within your abilities to do so, then by all means help, but don't take over. Find out specifically what they need from you and then give what is within your resources to do.
If they have not asked you for help and they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves, butt out. If you're not sure about the tools and resources let them know you have some to share, but only if they wish, or simply ask them what it is they need from you to best support them.
If you believe that they are capable of handling the situation for themselves, let them. The greatest learning comes with our greatest challenges and struggles. You are robbing them of that growth opportunity if you do it for them. The majority of people are whole and complete and capable of amazing strength, if we give them the opportunity to use it. Often just knowing that you believe in them gives them all the support they need.

Want help in letting go and moving on with your own transformation? Check out my services page for Reiki Plus sessions and coaching!

Resolutions are the Definition of Insanity!!

Learn the Secret to Success and Make New Year Solutions Instead!

Can you believe we're hours away from 2014?! Wow! Hard to believe we’re moving into another year! All around me I am hearing rumblings of people talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Some are enthusiastic, some seem resigned. Many are already making excuses as to why they can’t meet those resolutions. And now the new trend seems to be not making any at all! What about you? What New Year's Resolutions did you make? How many have you actually kept in your lifetime?

Resolutions are often not kept because they are about YOU! And aren’t you typically the last person on your list? What would happen if you put yourself first?

The word resolution is a weighty one. Say the word Resolution out-loud. Notice how your body responds to it. Does it tense up? Do you feel heavier, weighed down? If you’re an a visual person or an auditory person, (auditory can say it out-loud) lets break the word itself down. You are re (to do again) – solution (an action or process of solving a problem). So you are look to find an answer to something that you had answer to before. It obviously didn’t work or you wouldn’t be making a re-solution for it. It generally brings an overall feeling of unhappiness as something isn’t right once again and now you’re expected to fix it. No wonder most people never keep their New Year's Resolutions!

A lot of people will make the same resolution over and over each year and never meet it. You know what the definition of insanity is right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Eventually this breaks down self – trust. You’re not keeping your agreement with yourself (a lot of people struggle with this!). Do you make a resolution to lose those 10 pounds every year? Do you make a resolution to be on time for all your meetings? What typically happens the first time you “cheat” on your diet or the first time you’re late for a meeting? A lot of people quit at this point.

If you want to do something different this year, consider making New Year Solutions instead. Don’t apply the same band-aid you have year after year. Do something different.

7 Tips to make your New Years Solutions Work!

1. Get an ‘accountability buddy’. This can be a coach, friend or co-worker. It should be someone who is willing and able to not let you slide by making stories and excuses and will check in with you, being available to listen and brainstorm with you when you are struggling. I suggest making a regular scheduled time to check-in at least once a week.
/br> 2. Make agreements with yourself that you are willing and able to keep. If you hate going to the gym, don’t make your solution to losing weight going to the gym three times a week. Instead find alternative ways to get in shape. Maybe you hire a personal trainer that comes to your home or you get a walking buddy to walk with you at lunch. Make it more enjoyable and you are much more likely to do it.

3. Make it realistic. Don’t set yourself up to fail, but don’t limit your potential either. It’s a fine balancing act, so be willing to make adjustments and renegotiate your agreements as needed.

4. Create Personal Practices that will help keep you on track and in alignment with your solutions. An example of a Personal Practice is: If you are usually late for meetings, you put the time for the meeting in your planner as a half an hour earlier than the actual time. If the meeting is scheduled for 9:30 you write that it’s scheduled for 9:00.

5. Eat that elephant one bite at a time. Take the bigger goal and chunk it down into goals you can meet within a month (WAM - Within A Month). Then chunk it down even further into goals that you can achieve within one week (WOW - Within One Week). This helps keeps the ‘overwhelm’ to a minimum so you don’t choke on your elephant! As you achieve each weekly goal you will be moving closer to your monthly goal. As you achieve each monthly goal you are moving closer to your bigger goal.

6. Ask for help! Like it or not we are a tribal animal. If you were to interview the most successful people they would tell you that one of their secrets is they didn’t do it alone! We’re not meant to. People like to help. Let them! Return the favor! Use your resources.

7. Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments! This is an area that a lot of people skip and when it’s skipped it contributes greatly to getting discouraged and giving up! Research shows that encouragement and positive reinforcement goes much further than focusing on the negative.

Coming up with solutions to the challenges in your life can be rewarding. The Universe rewards action! Taking steps to manifesting the life you dream of will open new exciting doors and adventure for you!

Perhaps you’ll discover how powerful and beautiful you really are, or how much you are valued. Perhaps those secret, buried way down deep dreams will find their way to the light and you’ll be living a life you never thought possible. Who knows? What I do know is that “every journey begins with one step”. Will you keep your feet planted firmly in your reality and doubts or are you ready to step towards your dreams?

I’d love to hear about your New Year Solutions and the WAM’s (Within A Month) and WOW’s (Within One Week) you’ve created to move you forward! Post a comment here!

We are in the midst of the holidays, no matter what you celebrate. This is one of the highest times of stress for people around the globe. I believe the Codependents tend to get even more stressed than usual during this time. Why?

Codependents think they need to be doing it all, meeting everyone's needs and keeping everyone happy - usually to the point of utter exhaustion and with the result of the holidays just flying by. How do you know you're heading towards holiday burnout?

1. Do you say "yes" to attending almost every holiday party?
2. Do you feel obligated to send cards to every single person you know - even the neighbors you only occasionally wave at but never talk to?
3. Do you offer to bring something (or several somethings) to every party you attend?
4. Do you host your own holiday party?
5. Do you feel you have to get the most perfect gift for everyone on your list?
6. Speaking of gift lists - is everyone on your list or is it limited to close friends and family?
7. Do you feel obligated to buy gifts for every family member?

If you answered Yes to four or more of these questions you are probably feeling frantic about now trying to get everything done, and thus are in danger of burning out.

What Can You Do to Lessen or Prevent Holiday Burnout?

When you feel like you are overburdened and heading towards burnout what can you do?

1. STOP! Put on the breaks and take a breather.
2. If you could have the ideal (for you!) holiday what would it look like? Describe it in as much detail as possible. What party's would go to? Who would you be with? What would you be doing?
3. Look at your list of obligations. Determine which are the critical ones (for you!)and why. Make different agreements with the ones that you no longer wish to say yes to. No need to go into detail and explain. Just state that you are no longer able to make the party, bake the dish or whatever it is and wish them a happy holiday and sign off.
4. If you are giving the party (and you really want to give it), have others bring items to help. Most people want to help, they just don't know what you need. Whether its help with food, supplies or set up and clean up - ASK!
5. Make an agreement to do name exchange for gifts (especially for large groups of people, even family!), or as a group, adopt a family for Christmas instead! If you feel its too late to do it this year, start the talks now for next year.
6. If you don't enjoy baking, don't! Buy some from the store! Or, instead of using the good china for the holiday, use some festive paper plates! It makes clean up go so much faster!
7. Be sure to take some down time for yourself! Like watching your favorite Christmas specials with your loved ones!

No matter what you celebrate, the holidays are about family, friends......and love. Whatever your festivities, this should be your focus and priority. As long as it is, it will be easier for you to know what to say "yes" to and what to say "no thanks" to.

May you and your family be blessed and filled with love. I look forward to seeing you in 2014!
Bright Blessings Always!

Are you or your loved one CoDependent?

Codependency is not a disease. It is a learned emotional and behavioral condition which affects the ability to have a healthy relationship with others. The good news is that you can change your condition, choose your behavior, and feel your emotions without letting them run your life!
A part of being codependent is resistance to playing and having fun. Imagine how joyful your life will be when you have the freedom to give yourself permission to play! When was the last time you let your inner child out to finger paint, play in the dirt, or roll down a hill?
As an adult, a codependent person has little to no sense of self. If you were to look back on your life you might see that your whole life has been spent in extreme acts to meet others' expectations. Your emotions and thoughts about yourself are based on people's responses to you. For example, if you're nice to me, I'm a good person. If you disagree with me or snap at me, I'm a bad person.

How to recognize if you're "Codependent":

1. Do you find yourself constantly needing to "fix" and rescue people?
If you're codependent you are more aware of others' needs and feelings than you are your own. When asked what you want or need, the answer is most often "I don't know". You have a hard time receiving.

2. Do you easily get caught up in drama?
Codependents often get sucked into the drama of others' lives and are so busy rescuing others and sacrificing themselves that they miss what the root of the issues are. They don't have time to deal with their own issues because they're so busy taking care of everyone else. This is really a self-defeating behavior.

3. Are you trying to control or feel controlled by someone else?
Do you need the person more than you love them? Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends completely on the other. They don't know how to make themselves happy. In a true loving partnership, you love each other more than you need each other. Relationships should enhance you, not complete you. You are already whole and complete.

4. Do you do more than your share?
What's the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic? Are you working to live or living to work? Codependents often take their work home with them, answer work calls and emails, no matter if it's after quitting time or they are on vacation. They do not have clearly defined boundaries in their work or relationships.

5. Are you always seeking approval and recognition?
Codependents live their life through their self-limiting beliefs. They believe they are not good enough, dumb, stupid, worthless, and defective. This is their core wound, or sacred wound. It's what drives their choices and decisions and affects what they see when they look in the mirror and affects how they talk to themselves. What they don't realize is we all have a sacred wound, but we can choose to rewire where our choices and decisions are made from. We can choose to live from our purpose rather than our wounds.
As an adult, a codependent person seeks recognition and approval, but when they get it they are embarrassed. They have difficulty asking others to meet their needs. They don't believe they are worthwhile or lovable.
Codependents do not have a strong sense of self. When asked to describe themselves codependents will give their job title or say "I'm a wife, partner, daughter, mother."
A non-codependent person would say, “I'm an independent, powerful, compassionate person who enjoys having fun and adventures.” There's nothing wrong with being proud of your job or relationships, but those should not be your main identity. Those are things you do, not who you are.

6. Do you find that you do anything to hold onto a relationship? Do you fear being alone?
Because codependents have their whole identities tied up in their work and relationships they have no relationship with themselves. They don't know how to be alone and enjoy that time. They often feel abandoned and unwanted. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion for fear of driving the relationship away. They often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that nobody else would want them and that's all they deserve.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Boundaries Crossed

Oftentimes when a boundary line is crossed our emotions can get the better of us. When we try to communicate how something made us feel we can easily fall into the blame game or the right/wrong game. A person's natural inclination is to defend themselves when they are being made to feel wrong or attacked. This does not mean that you should stuff your feelings down and never express them; it just means that you need to give yourself time and space to feel whatever you're feeling without barfing it all over the other person.

Once you are able to ground yourself and have decided how you want to respond, keeping the results you want in mind, arrange to have a conversation with the person who crossed or pushed at your boundary. The best way I have found to do this and successfully not let my emotions rule the conversation is to use the Bradshaw Method.

You can use this script from the Bradshaw Method as a guide:
"When ______ happens". Fill in the blank, describing the event. Be careful not to use accusatory language here. Example: "When you do not come home at the agreed-upon time...."
"I feel______". Fill in the blank, describing how you feel. Remember to own your feelings. Do not use terms like, "You make me feel" or "You always/never".
Example: "I feel worried, scared and disrespected."
"The result I want is_____". Fill in the blank, describing the specific result that you desire.
Example:"The result I want is for our agreements to be kept and to not feel worried or scared for you like this." "What I need from you is_____". or "My request of you is_____". Fill in the blank, stating what specific action you need from them.
Example: "My request of you is that if something comes up where you are going to be later than we agreed upon that you call me to let me know."

Once you have made your specific request ask to make a new agreement with the person. Now you have a new agreement. Remember, it is not fair nor does it net you the results you want when you hold past events over someone's head or save them up like stamps and then throw them in their face when it's something that has already been resolved.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

I've set my boundaries, now how do I tell my family?

To set or communicate a boundary you can use this script as a guide:

"If you ______. " Fill in the blank with a very specific description of the person's behavior that you need to set a boundary around.
Example: "If you continue to stay out past the time we agreed upon...."
"I will ______." Fill in the blank with the action you'll take if the boundary is violated. Your action is based on values and needs.

Example: "I will change your curfew to one hour earlier."
"If you still continue _____, I will_____." Fill in the blank with actions you'll take to make sure the boundary is followed.

Example: "If you still continue staying out past the agreed-upon time, I'll will take away your car privileges."

This makes it clear to all parties involved and therefore easier to define and acknowledge when the agreement is broken. Because if a boundary that was clearly communicated and agreed upon is crossed, then an agreement was broken.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Value Definitions

Last week I shared with you my family values and asked you write down your won. Now it is time for you to write out the definitions of each of your core values. Post it somewhere you can see it constantly. I suggest having a personal one posted next to your mirror or on your refrigerator where you can see it daily, and post your business values in your office.

Once you have this it is much easier for you to set your boundaries. If something is outside your value frame, it’s outside your boundary. This is why clarity on definitions is so important. If you said no drugs or alcohol for your value of health, you've just said you won't be taking any aspirin or prescribed medications. Be very clear so you can remain in total integrity with yourself and those with whom you are in a relationship.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Values

Write out the values that are important to you and that you expect in your day-to-day life, such as honesty, family, fun, adventure, integrity, acceptance, etc. You may end up with a list of 20 or more. You want them easy to remember, so once you have that initial list see which ones can be covered by other ones. For example, can honesty be listed under integrity for you? Try to distill it down to five or six core values. You don't have to (I have thirteen!), but it sure is easier to remember.

As an example here are my family values:

Faith - harm none, spirituality, respecting others faith as well as your own.
Honesty - openness, do what you say, tell the truth, don't withhold information.
Integrity - commitment, self worth, value of your word.
Acceptance - of yourself and others, non-judgmental, not trying to change others, not carrying others "baggage".
Respect - personal space, chain of command, recognize parents as the authority and kids as individual people.
Accountability - accepting conscious responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Safety - not doing things that could harm yourself or others.
Magick - smell the roses, believe, the power of self and the world around you. Dance.
Trust - in yourself and the family around you. Stand in honesty and integrity.
Appreciation - gratitude for those in your life, what you do have, the opportunities you have, for life. Acknowledgement.
Health - cleanliness, keeping your home and body clean (inside and out).
Family - communication daily, participate in family events.
Love - encompasses all of the values of this family.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Boundaries: The How

So how do you decide what your boundaries are? In order to set realistic boundaries that are true for you, you need to know what your values are.

Personal values may come from circumstances and experiences in your life and can change over time. Personal values are implicitly related to choice; they guide decisions by allowing for an individual's choices to be compared to each choice's associated values.

Business values often mirror your personal values and should be set based on your services, products and expectations of your clients. You need to be clear on what you expect from your clients and what they can expect from you.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Boundaries and trust

Whether we're conscious of it or not, we all want boundaries. Boundaries help us to feel secure, to understand how to best meet ours and others' needs. It is the foundation in building trust. We all instinctively push at boundaries... not because we want to break them (though it often appears that way) but because we want to know that they are firm and solid and that we can trust them.

Trust is a key ingredient in all relationships and in manifesting happiness and success. Think about someone you know who is wobbly in their boundaries (maybe it's even you). You've seen them let people run amok all over them. Do you fully trust them, or is there something about them that keeps you from completely relying on them for anything?

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Boundaries

Know and develop your boundaries. Without boundaries, there can be no trust. Without trust, there is no working relationship. And that includes with yourself! Once you choose your boundaries it is important to stay in integrity with yourself around them.

So what's the big deal about boundaries? Boundaries are crucial to all relationships, whether they're personal, familial or in business. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. The majority of people do not intend to hurt or offend us, and we need to be able to effectively communicate what that means to us so they can understand. Every person has the right to protect and defend themselves - not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

We all have perceived boundaries, so having them really isn't the issue - holding them is. Experience has shown me that if you're wobbly in holding your boundaries you can't trust yourself, and if you can't trust yourself no one else will trust you either.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Outta Control

You can't fix or control anyone but yourself! Those who try to control everyone and everything around them are typically feeling so out of control within themselves that it is an act of desperation to control something. What you can control is how you choose to respond. Your intial response is not always the best one. Develop a practice of stopping, taking a breath and deciding how you want to respond, then take action.

If you find yourself as the one trying to control things, stop! Ask yourself what is it really about. If your needs are not being met, perhaps you need to state them more clearly.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Feel it baby!

       How many times have we heard, "Oh, don't feel that way!", or "Suck it up"? People seem to be so afraid of emotions and feelings that many of us spend all of our energy trying to control our feelings.  I believe it's important to feel whatever you're feeling. I mean, really feel it - get down and dirty with it - and then let it go. No more wallowing!
If you need to, have an all-out tantrum! Yup, call on your inner two year old and let it fly. Of course, if you are going to do this, I recommend doing it in a safe place where you will not hurt yourself, items you cherish or alarm others. Get on the floor, kick and scream. Cry if you want, rip up some paper. Whatever it takes to get it out.
This may sound silly, but it really works. Think about it. Almost all of us have witness a child have a tantrum. What happens after? They usually rest a bit and then are happy again and moving on to the next thing. They aren't hanging on to any resentments or anger. It's done. Over. They got it out instead of suppressing it. Tap into your inner wisdom that knows this and go for it!

Let's face it; the times that you gain the most knowledge, wisdom and experience is when the chips are down and life seems to suck. 
Knowing this makes it much easier for me to deal with whatever is going on. I can experience any event in my life knowing that it's just that - an event.  The event itself does not define who I am; my response does. All events in our lives are learning opportunities, and it's up to us to get the most out of it that we can. Root into the depths and relish the highs. 

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Forgiveness: The How

1      Here are some steps to help you forgive:

1.            Acknowledge - Acknowledge what happened and how you felt at the time you were hurt. Look at the ways those same feelings show up in your life today and how it's affecting your ability to live a happy, successful life.

2.            Seek to Understand - Oftentimes understanding someone's motivation, problems or sickness can help you to forgive and let go. Perhaps they were hurt the same way as a child and they have learned this behavior, or maybe they are trying to mask their own insecurities.   

3.            Find the Gratitude - In every event there is a learning opportunity. What did you learn from this event? Perhaps you discovered how to stand up for yourself or that you want to take their poor behavior as an example of what not to do. Make a list of the good things that emerged as a result of this awful experience. This will require you to look at the event from a completely new angle - the positive side. See if you can identify at least 10 positive outcomes of this experience. Keep them somewhere where you can remind yourself of the positives when you are feeling negative.

4.            Be compassionate with yourself - If you've ruminated over this problem for a long time, changing this pattern can take some time, too. You may find yourself slipping back into the old pattern from time to time. Don't beat yourself up over it; just acknowledge the slip and move on. Extreme emotional pain has a profound effect on the body. Allow yourself to mourn what could have been and then give yourself time to heal, physically and emotionally. Eat well. Rest. Focus on the natural beauty in the world. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and process them. Don't bottle up the pain.

5.            Decide - It's a sad fact that everyone is not trustworthy. Painful memories can serve to protect us from future hurts. It can enable you to see the same untrustworthy traits in other people who come into your life so you can use caution and possibly avoid getting hurt the same way. You get to decide whether or not that person should be in your life. If you choose to allow them in, take the time to carefully rebuild mutual trust. You can forgive someone without having any interaction with them. This option should be used if that person could cause you further harm or presents a danger.

6.            Karma - Know that karma is a beautiful thing and takes care of itself. The only person whose karma you have control over is your own. Wishing bad things on people only serves to damage your own karma. If you can't bring yourself to love the person who hurt you, work on loving the learning opportunity they brought into your life.

7.            Visualize - Use visualization techniques to aid in your forgiving and letting go.

Example: Get in a quiet, calm place. Close your eyes and visualize the person standing in front of you. Know that they cannot harm you in any way. In this state tell them everything you have every wanted to tell them about how they hurt you, the effect it had on your life, and fully express your anger, fear and resentments. Once you are done expressing yourself in this fashion give them the opportunity to apologize for their actions (It's okay if they don't respond, just pause for a moment). Tell them that you are now ready to forgive them and let go of the negative ties that are binding you to them. Picture a cord that is tying you together. Now cut the cord and allow them to leave your space.

Another example: Get in a quiet, calm place. Close your eyes and visualize the person standing in front of you. Know that they cannot harm you in any way. Surround them in a bubble of love (usually this shows up as a pink bubble for me, but if yours is a different color that's okay, too!). Say, "I release you with love" and watch them float safely away surrounded in love. 

I'd love to hear your stories of forgiveness, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Forgiveness, Part 2

"Forgiveness is not about condoning what someone did, it's about accepting that the past couldn't have been any different." - Oprah Winfrey. You don't need to like the person you forgive, you don't need to become friends with them. You just need to forgive and let go. Festering can become an infection that overtakes your whole being until it begins to kill off your soul.
The word is easy to say, and yet the act can seem so difficult to do. Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with character and compassion to forgive. When you forgive you release yourself from a painful burden.
Forgiveness does not mean that you condone what happened or even that the person should be allowed back into your life.
It means that you have made peace with the pain and are ready to let it go. You forgive other people because forgiving them helps you to heal yourself and move forward in your life. Forgiveness is an essential part to healing your past and all of your relationships.    
Forgiveness isn't even about whether the person you are forgiving deserves it or not. It's really about you. What do you want? To be stuck in "Victimville" or even "Survivorhood" for the rest of your life? Or do you want to get the best revenge possible and live a long, happy life? If you choose the second option, then you must work on forgiving.

I'd love to hear your stories of forgiveness, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Forgiveness, A Path to Healing

1   "Holding on to past events, anger, hurts and being unwilling to forgive is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die." - I've seen this quote attributed to several different people like Carrie Fisher, Debbie Ford and some say it is an old Buddhist Proverb. Whomever said it, it is a definite truth! Hanging on to that nasty stuff only hurts you...no one else.  
Depending on what you are "holding on to" this may seem like an insurmountable task. If you can't feel like you can't forgive the person who committed the transgression, then start with you. Yes, you. No matter what happened, my personal experience with myself and others has shown me that some part of you blames YOU. "If only I had...", "I should have...", etc. This erodes your self-trust and inner power. How do you forgive yourself? There are several ways.
If you meditate you can put yourself in a meditative state and take yourself back to that part of you that was hurt and tell yourself whatever you need to say - "I'm sorry.", "I forgive you", "I love you".
Another way you can start to work on that is to do an Active Imagination session with that part of yourself. Find a quiet place, get a piece of paper and pen. Use your first initial to mark it as you and write the conversation. Example:
B: I call upon the part of me that represents my 9 year old self. Are you here?
LG (Little Girl): Yes.
B:Thank you for coming. I want to talk to you about what happened.
LG: That was scary. I don't want to talk about it.
B: What can I do to make it safe for you talk about?
LG: Don't make me re-live it.
B:I promise I will not make you re-live. I just want you to know that it was not your fault and I forgive you.
LG: But if I hadn't been there...
B:You had no idea that would happen. You did nothing wrong.      
And so on until you feel the conversation is complete. Or, you can always see a healer, coach, counselor or therapist to assist you in this healing. For me, I found that doing all of these (because it often takes more than one thing to fully forgive and let go) worked the best.  
I'd love to hear your stories of forgiveness, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.  
To your transformational  enlightenment ~ Bo

What is Co-Dependency?

Codependency is defined as: An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome often noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers but can be any unhealthy relationship where you put the needs of others before yourself to the detriment of yourself.

Codependency can feel like a disease, however it is not a disease. It is a learned emotional and behavioral condition which affects the ability to have a healthy relationship with others. The good news is that you can change your condition, choose your behavior, and feel your emotions without letting them run your life!


You Can Recover from Co-Dependency
Recovering from Co-Dependency takes time, effort and courage, but in the end you will feel a greater sense of fulfillment, happiness, playfulness and peace. A part of being co-dependent is resistance to playing and having fun. Imagine how joyful your life will be when you have the freedom to give yourself permission to play! Learn to Break the Compulsive Habits That Are Running Your Life.

You CAN Live a Life of Love, Joy, Peace and Fulfillment