The Thrive Triangle - or "Thrive Town"

The thrive triangle is my creation as an answer to how to remain out of the drama triangle and live a happier, healthier life.

The thrive triangle also has three roles: the Grounded, the Supporter and the Challenger. The glue that binds these roles together is a set of clearly defined values and boundaries that are effectively communicated to all parties. People know that they are whole and complete and enjoy enhancing each other's lives as well as their own. They make their decisions from their purpose rather than their core wound.

• The Grounded is a person who is self-aware and stands in their integrity. They are able to evaluate their emotions, feel them and then let them go. They do not play the blame game; instead they look at what is working or not working in their lives. They are unable to be manipulated by guilt or take on other people's baggage. They have forgiven themselves and anyone who has hurt them and understand that every event and person that touches their life is a gift and learning opportunity.
• The Supporter is a person that is willing and happy to help others, but they don't do so to the detriment of themselves. They are able to say "No" when something is outside their values or they do not have the time or energy to do it. They are compassionate without being sucked into drama. Instead of believing that they know what is best and what everyone needs, they ask "How can I best support you right now?" and then follow through in meeting those needs. They are able to actively listen to others' wants, desires and needs and can play the role of cheerleader or advisor when asked.
• The Challenger is a person who supports your excellence but not your crap. They ask questions from a place of love and curiosity, pushing you to dream and achieve more than you thought possible. They help you stretch outside of your self-imposed limitations. They make a great coach or accountability partner. The great news with the thrive triangle is that you can move between the roles fluidly based on what each individual situation calls for. Living here keeps you squarely in "Thrive Town", creating your own happiness and supporting others in creating theirs.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are you a Survivor?

Last week I showed you the drama triangle and how often people cycle through it. What typically follows stepping out of the drama triangle (even if it's for a brief period of time) is moving into Survivorhood. How many times have you or someone you know stood up and proudly declared that they're a survivor? Then, before you know it you bounce back into the drama triangle and find yourself repeating the cycle again.

The graphic above shows the relation between the drama triangle - or Victimville, if you will - Survivorhood and The Thrive triangle (which I will share more information about next week).

The Survivor arrow inbetween is when you are living in "Survivorhood". Here you are numbed out to big emotions and you miss out on the joy of living, but you are content with just surviving right now. You feel the need to fight for what you have and for those other victims that are not ready to stand for themselves yet, thus, you are in constant battle mode. You do everything you can to ensure persecutors are justly punished. You make it day by day and proudly proclaim your survivorship status. You feel better about yourself, but you're still angry and hurt about what happened to you. You haven't quite forgiven the perpetrator, let alone yourself. You are on constant lookout for the next bully, the next person trying to do you harm. Happiness does appear in your world, but it is overshadowed by the pain you hold close to your vest. In this state it is easy to slip back into the drama triangle from time to time.

When you numb out you miss out - not just on the negative, but the positive as well. Every emotion serves a purpose, and I do get that at times some of them can be overwhelming, and most people tend to go into "numb-out mode" just to survive. While this does serve an important purpose the problem is that for those who were living in "Victimville" they only move a short distance and then get stuck in "Survivorhood".

"Survivorhood" over "Victimville" is an improvement in your living situation; however, it's still not an ideal place to live. It's only meant to be a transition place. You know, a temporary stop on your way to "Thrive Town".

In "Victimville" everything happens to you. Your inner critic rules your mind and is constantly proven right by all the bad things that go on. Happiness is fleeting snippets quickly squashed as you are re-victimized time and time again. No matter what you do, you will never be enough. You try to put up a brave face but have truly lost hope that your life will ever be any different. So you move into "Survivorhood" and become numbed out or always in fight mode as I described above. What if I told you there was a better place to live? Would you be willing to move there?

Next week I will tell you all about "Thrive Town"!

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are You Stuck in the Drama Triangle?

The drama triangle has three roles: the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. The glue that binds these roles together is lack of personal power and unclear personal values and boundaries; people don’t know who they are or where they end and another person begins. Any perceived boundaries become blurred because the person continuously jumps from one role to another to another and so on.

• The victim is a person who feels helpless, blames others, and feels sorry for herself: “If it weren’t for my boss, I’d be __________________(rich, happy, successful).” By blaming others the victim surrenders her power, which is what keeps her feeling helpless and powerless.
• The rescuer is a person who takes care of everyone else. Oftentimes this is a child of an addictive family who feels it is her responsibility to solve the family’s problems and take care of the addict. Within the role of rescuer is the victim consciousness.

These two roles are most often where the codependent person falls or jumps back and forth the most. The victim and rescuer are naturally attracted to one another and thereby perpetuate the codependent relationship with one another. The rescuer is constantly trying to “fix” the victim, which results in the victim feeling even more helpless and eventually even resentful. In turn, this resentment can bring about a role reversal, wherein the victim becomes the persecutor.

• The persecutor persecutes the rescuer, and then the rescuer becomes the victim. Persecutors can be physically, emotionally or sexually abusive; they may persecute by withdrawing love, sex, or money. They usually are very passive-aggressive and use guilt as a way to control and manipulate others. Interestingly enough, then the persecutor feels pity for the victim and moves to the rescuer position. The victim resents feeling helpless and having to be rescued and begins to persecute the rescuer. The triangle takes on a life of its own, and off they go... forever stuck in "Victimville" and unable to find their way out.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment.
To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo

Are you a Rescue Ranger?

One of the most important and critical moves in healing from codependency is to learn how to stop rescuing others and become supportive instead. Here's what I discovered and clung to as my motivation whenever I was tempted to just jump in and help.
When I thought I was helping friends, family and coworkers (or even sometimes a stranger) I was actually hurting them. I was sending them an unconscious message that I didn't believe they were capable of handling it on their own. I was feeding their negative machine.
When you feel the urge to jump in and rescue someone, STOP! Ask yourself the following questions first.

1. Did they ask for your help?
2. Do they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves?
3. Do you believe they are capable of handling it themselves?
4. Why do you want to help? Because it will make you feel better, smarter, needed?
5. What will happen if you don't help?

If they asked for your help and it is within your abilities to do so, then by all means help, but don't take over. Find out specifically what they need from you and then give what is within your resources to do.
If they have not asked you for help and they have the tools and resources to fix it themselves, butt out. If you're not sure about the tools and resources let them know you have some to share, but only if they wish, or simply ask them what it is they need from you to best support them.
If you believe that they are capable of handling the situation for themselves, let them. The greatest learning comes with our greatest challenges and struggles. You are robbing them of that growth opportunity if you do it for them. The majority of people are whole and complete and capable of amazing strength, if we give them the opportunity to use it. Often just knowing that you believe in them gives them all the support they need.

Want help in letting go and moving on with your own transformation? Check out my services page for Reiki Plus sessions and coaching!

Resolutions are the Definition of Insanity!!

Learn the Secret to Success and Make New Year Solutions Instead!

Can you believe we're hours away from 2014?! Wow! Hard to believe we’re moving into another year! All around me I am hearing rumblings of people talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Some are enthusiastic, some seem resigned. Many are already making excuses as to why they can’t meet those resolutions. And now the new trend seems to be not making any at all! What about you? What New Year's Resolutions did you make? How many have you actually kept in your lifetime?

Resolutions are often not kept because they are about YOU! And aren’t you typically the last person on your list? What would happen if you put yourself first?

The word resolution is a weighty one. Say the word Resolution out-loud. Notice how your body responds to it. Does it tense up? Do you feel heavier, weighed down? If you’re an a visual person or an auditory person, (auditory can say it out-loud) lets break the word itself down. You are re (to do again) – solution (an action or process of solving a problem). So you are look to find an answer to something that you had answer to before. It obviously didn’t work or you wouldn’t be making a re-solution for it. It generally brings an overall feeling of unhappiness as something isn’t right once again and now you’re expected to fix it. No wonder most people never keep their New Year's Resolutions!

A lot of people will make the same resolution over and over each year and never meet it. You know what the definition of insanity is right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Eventually this breaks down self – trust. You’re not keeping your agreement with yourself (a lot of people struggle with this!). Do you make a resolution to lose those 10 pounds every year? Do you make a resolution to be on time for all your meetings? What typically happens the first time you “cheat” on your diet or the first time you’re late for a meeting? A lot of people quit at this point.

If you want to do something different this year, consider making New Year Solutions instead. Don’t apply the same band-aid you have year after year. Do something different.

7 Tips to make your New Years Solutions Work!

1. Get an ‘accountability buddy’. This can be a coach, friend or co-worker. It should be someone who is willing and able to not let you slide by making stories and excuses and will check in with you, being available to listen and brainstorm with you when you are struggling. I suggest making a regular scheduled time to check-in at least once a week.
/br> 2. Make agreements with yourself that you are willing and able to keep. If you hate going to the gym, don’t make your solution to losing weight going to the gym three times a week. Instead find alternative ways to get in shape. Maybe you hire a personal trainer that comes to your home or you get a walking buddy to walk with you at lunch. Make it more enjoyable and you are much more likely to do it.

3. Make it realistic. Don’t set yourself up to fail, but don’t limit your potential either. It’s a fine balancing act, so be willing to make adjustments and renegotiate your agreements as needed.

4. Create Personal Practices that will help keep you on track and in alignment with your solutions. An example of a Personal Practice is: If you are usually late for meetings, you put the time for the meeting in your planner as a half an hour earlier than the actual time. If the meeting is scheduled for 9:30 you write that it’s scheduled for 9:00.

5. Eat that elephant one bite at a time. Take the bigger goal and chunk it down into goals you can meet within a month (WAM - Within A Month). Then chunk it down even further into goals that you can achieve within one week (WOW - Within One Week). This helps keeps the ‘overwhelm’ to a minimum so you don’t choke on your elephant! As you achieve each weekly goal you will be moving closer to your monthly goal. As you achieve each monthly goal you are moving closer to your bigger goal.

6. Ask for help! Like it or not we are a tribal animal. If you were to interview the most successful people they would tell you that one of their secrets is they didn’t do it alone! We’re not meant to. People like to help. Let them! Return the favor! Use your resources.

7. Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments! This is an area that a lot of people skip and when it’s skipped it contributes greatly to getting discouraged and giving up! Research shows that encouragement and positive reinforcement goes much further than focusing on the negative.

Coming up with solutions to the challenges in your life can be rewarding. The Universe rewards action! Taking steps to manifesting the life you dream of will open new exciting doors and adventure for you!

Perhaps you’ll discover how powerful and beautiful you really are, or how much you are valued. Perhaps those secret, buried way down deep dreams will find their way to the light and you’ll be living a life you never thought possible. Who knows? What I do know is that “every journey begins with one step”. Will you keep your feet planted firmly in your reality and doubts or are you ready to step towards your dreams?

I’d love to hear about your New Year Solutions and the WAM’s (Within A Month) and WOW’s (Within One Week) you’ve created to move you forward! Post a comment here!

We are in the midst of the holidays, no matter what you celebrate. This is one of the highest times of stress for people around the globe. I believe the Codependents tend to get even more stressed than usual during this time. Why?

Codependents think they need to be doing it all, meeting everyone's needs and keeping everyone happy - usually to the point of utter exhaustion and with the result of the holidays just flying by. How do you know you're heading towards holiday burnout?

1. Do you say "yes" to attending almost every holiday party?
2. Do you feel obligated to send cards to every single person you know - even the neighbors you only occasionally wave at but never talk to?
3. Do you offer to bring something (or several somethings) to every party you attend?
4. Do you host your own holiday party?
5. Do you feel you have to get the most perfect gift for everyone on your list?
6. Speaking of gift lists - is everyone on your list or is it limited to close friends and family?
7. Do you feel obligated to buy gifts for every family member?

If you answered Yes to four or more of these questions you are probably feeling frantic about now trying to get everything done, and thus are in danger of burning out.

What Can You Do to Lessen or Prevent Holiday Burnout?

When you feel like you are overburdened and heading towards burnout what can you do?

1. STOP! Put on the breaks and take a breather.
2. If you could have the ideal (for you!) holiday what would it look like? Describe it in as much detail as possible. What party's would go to? Who would you be with? What would you be doing?
3. Look at your list of obligations. Determine which are the critical ones (for you!)and why. Make different agreements with the ones that you no longer wish to say yes to. No need to go into detail and explain. Just state that you are no longer able to make the party, bake the dish or whatever it is and wish them a happy holiday and sign off.
4. If you are giving the party (and you really want to give it), have others bring items to help. Most people want to help, they just don't know what you need. Whether its help with food, supplies or set up and clean up - ASK!
5. Make an agreement to do name exchange for gifts (especially for large groups of people, even family!), or as a group, adopt a family for Christmas instead! If you feel its too late to do it this year, start the talks now for next year.
6. If you don't enjoy baking, don't! Buy some from the store! Or, instead of using the good china for the holiday, use some festive paper plates! It makes clean up go so much faster!
7. Be sure to take some down time for yourself! Like watching your favorite Christmas specials with your loved ones!

No matter what you celebrate, the holidays are about family, friends......and love. Whatever your festivities, this should be your focus and priority. As long as it is, it will be easier for you to know what to say "yes" to and what to say "no thanks" to.

May you and your family be blessed and filled with love. I look forward to seeing you in 2014!
Bright Blessings Always!

Are you or your loved one CoDependent?

Codependency is not a disease. It is a learned emotional and behavioral condition which affects the ability to have a healthy relationship with others. The good news is that you can change your condition, choose your behavior, and feel your emotions without letting them run your life!
A part of being codependent is resistance to playing and having fun. Imagine how joyful your life will be when you have the freedom to give yourself permission to play! When was the last time you let your inner child out to finger paint, play in the dirt, or roll down a hill?
As an adult, a codependent person has little to no sense of self. If you were to look back on your life you might see that your whole life has been spent in extreme acts to meet others' expectations. Your emotions and thoughts about yourself are based on people's responses to you. For example, if you're nice to me, I'm a good person. If you disagree with me or snap at me, I'm a bad person.

How to recognize if you're "Codependent":

1. Do you find yourself constantly needing to "fix" and rescue people?
If you're codependent you are more aware of others' needs and feelings than you are your own. When asked what you want or need, the answer is most often "I don't know". You have a hard time receiving.

2. Do you easily get caught up in drama?
Codependents often get sucked into the drama of others' lives and are so busy rescuing others and sacrificing themselves that they miss what the root of the issues are. They don't have time to deal with their own issues because they're so busy taking care of everyone else. This is really a self-defeating behavior.

3. Are you trying to control or feel controlled by someone else?
Do you need the person more than you love them? Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends completely on the other. They don't know how to make themselves happy. In a true loving partnership, you love each other more than you need each other. Relationships should enhance you, not complete you. You are already whole and complete.

4. Do you do more than your share?
What's the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic? Are you working to live or living to work? Codependents often take their work home with them, answer work calls and emails, no matter if it's after quitting time or they are on vacation. They do not have clearly defined boundaries in their work or relationships.

5. Are you always seeking approval and recognition?
Codependents live their life through their self-limiting beliefs. They believe they are not good enough, dumb, stupid, worthless, and defective. This is their core wound, or sacred wound. It's what drives their choices and decisions and affects what they see when they look in the mirror and affects how they talk to themselves. What they don't realize is we all have a sacred wound, but we can choose to rewire where our choices and decisions are made from. We can choose to live from our purpose rather than our wounds.
As an adult, a codependent person seeks recognition and approval, but when they get it they are embarrassed. They have difficulty asking others to meet their needs. They don't believe they are worthwhile or lovable.
Codependents do not have a strong sense of self. When asked to describe themselves codependents will give their job title or say "I'm a wife, partner, daughter, mother."
A non-codependent person would say, “I'm an independent, powerful, compassionate person who enjoys having fun and adventures.” There's nothing wrong with being proud of your job or relationships, but those should not be your main identity. Those are things you do, not who you are.

6. Do you find that you do anything to hold onto a relationship? Do you fear being alone?
Because codependents have their whole identities tied up in their work and relationships they have no relationship with themselves. They don't know how to be alone and enjoy that time. They often feel abandoned and unwanted. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion for fear of driving the relationship away. They often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that nobody else would want them and that's all they deserve.

I'd love to hear your stories, struggles or questions. Feel free to comment. To your transformational enlightenment ~ Bo